Once in awhile I try to wrap my head around the fact that there are people who look forward to going out in social settings. They don’t get nervous or anxious at the thought of meeting new people, they look forward to meeting new people and being in situations with lots of unfamiliar people. This is hard for me to comprehend, because there has never been a single instance in my life when I did not feel at least a little nervous about people. Interacting with people makes me fundamentally nervous, and I wish that wasn’t the case. But wishing does not reality make.
Some days are better than others, some days I am better able to handle people. But some days, I am so low on my ‘people-o-meter’ that I just can’t handle any interaction hardly at all, I wish it were different, but if wishes were fishes we’d all have a fry, as my grandma always says.
If I really know people, then I genuinely love interacting with them, I look forward to seeing them. And if I’m somewhere where there is no one I know, it’s sometimes much easier to interact socially then when I’m out with people I know but am not yet on that intimate level with. It takes a long time for me to get comfortable with people, and the more comfortable I am the more of my true self I let out. I wish I could be 100% my true self, all the time, with anyone and everyone, but I’m not, and I never will be.
In 28 years of living I have gotten better. I am a better communicator. I can understand people’s emotions better. I can handle the anxiety and the nervousness better now. I know how to manage myself and I know that I need to set boundaries and take care of myself. I realize that I am not ‘normal’, and I prioritize that, I can’t change it, but I can live with it and make it work. Accepting that I can’t change it is the biggest, first step. From there I can learn to move within the boundaries that I cannot change, rather than fighting against boundaries that will never change.
I have come to a point in my life where I know I have limits. I am accepting that those limits are here to stay, no matter how much I might wish them gone. They are a part of me, and the best way for me to be healthy and happy is to honor, respect, and work with those limits.