Coming to you from the heart of the US infection, the CoronaVirus infection toll has climbed to over 6 billion! Oh, wait…wait, no, that’s the Stupid virus we’re thinking of.
Our apologies, correction, the Stupid virus infection toll has reached record highs in recent days as more and more people succumb to the mass hysteria surrounding, of all things, the need to wash one’s hands.
That’s right, you heard it here first folks, people have just discovered the necessity of hand-washing, and it’s driving the world mad. Not only that, but also the apparently unforeseen need to wipe their butts! A never before heard of phenomenon! Imagine, an entire race of super-intelligent apes, rulers of the planet, explorers of space, just now realizing that they need to wipe their asses when they poop, and their hands after that!
Miraculous! What a truly incredible time we do live in, and to think, just yesterday we were all able to cough on each other and wipe our asses with our hands and no one knew any better! How the times have changed. Please, if you experience any of the symptoms of the Stupid virus, stay home and don’t infect others. Do it for the children.
Symptoms include, but are not limited to, an inability to talk about anything other than the CoronaVirus, Ex.-“OH WELL I HEARD THAT THE VIRUS IS SUUUUPPPPEEERRRR CONTAGIOUS…EVERYONE THAT GETS IT IS DYING!!!”, a general and increasing sense of panic caused by reading the news and/or getting on the internet, a frantic and uncontrollable need to buy all the toilet paper in a 5 mile radius, a sudden and irrational interest in hand sanitizer and bleach, and last but not least, the propensity to fall victim to herd-panic, much like a lemming.
That’s it for this reporter, signing off, I’ll see you after the StupidPocalypse, maybe.